Surprising Ways We Ruin Relationships #1: Giving Advice

Surprising Ways We Ruin Relationships #1:

Giving Advice

As a therapist. I have learned that if you want close and healthy relationships, you must stop giving unasked for advice. This was a powerful interpersonal relationship tip for me and is for my clients as well. It’s second nature to offer a solution when we hear a problem.

When a person we care about comes to us in distress, of course we want to help by offering a solution. They seem to need our help, and we also want to escape the discomfort we feel about their distress. But giving advice often isn’t helpful.

While well-intentioned, offering unasked for advice usually backfires in quiet ways.

Why and How?

• When you offer the obvious solution– it is inevitably something they have thought of before. That can come off as invalidating. Unknowingly, you are communicating that you see their problem as ‘easy’ or ‘not a big deal’.

• When another adult has an issue, it’s condescending to think you have an easy answer for their problem. One of the top values of my therapy practice is ‘Trusting your inner wisdom’. Deep down, the other person knows. They know how it feels to be in the situation they’re in, all the nuances, all the things they have tried, better than anyone else. Unasked for advice presumes that you know best. When you refrain from offering solutions, you’re also sending the message that you trust them to figure it out.

• Receiving unasked for advice does not typically feel good and is not typically experienced as helpful– even if the person thanks you for your input. In fact, more often than not they will thank you. They might even say that they appreciate the input as a way to change the subject. You’ve unintentionally added to their distress by creating an awkward social situation in which they may feel the need to protect your feelings.

• An unexpected result of frequently handing out advice is that people lose trust in you. People stop wanting to talk about sensitive, tender, complex things with you. You might experience this as the relationship feeling more and more surface level. You might find you hear about important events later or less often.

When we listen without giving advice, we send the message that we are emotionally safe and steady enough to accompany someone in their distress. That is what everyone truly wants– for it to be safe to express authentic thoughts and feelings, all kinds, without feeling like a burden. Ironically, we can feel like a burden when someone takes on the responsibility of solving our problems.

Check in to make sure you’re not giving advice to soothe yourself. It’s distressing to be with someone in distress. We can unknowingly want that discomfort to go away. Our nervous systems are in communication unconsciously and anxiety is known to be contagious. 

However, if you are aware of your feelings and of the boundary between yourself and the other person, you can self-soothe and accompany rather than taking on their distress. Some soothing self talk to use is: “This isn’t mine”, “Is this mine or is it theirs?”, or “This is their life to live”.

Listening without advising gives the other person time and space to reflect and to hear themselves. They are the ones who ultimately need to decide. Relationships falter when we take too much responsibility for the other person. We each need to take responsibility for ourselves while staying in relationship. Taking on the job of advisor creates an under-functioner and over-functioner or even an under-feeler and over-feeler dynamic. You are, not on purpose, robbing the other person of the essential journey of feeling their own feelings and taking action on their own behalf. 

When you are tempted to give advice, you can ask first if that’s something they are interested in. You will be SHOCKED by how often the answer is no. Frankly, your advice is probably not as stellar as you think. People are socialized to be polite. This is especially relevant when it comes to age. We’re socialized to listen to our elders. And elders can be wise, but trying to tell a younger person how you did something– started your career, etc. is often going to feel irrelevant and dismissive to them. And they are very unlikely to tell you so.

There are some caveats. Sometimes someone approaches us with a specific question. Can you offer some feedback or input on this specific thing? In that case, if you want to, offer the feedback. 

There are many things that reduce intimacy in our relationships, but advice giving is a common one. As a therapist, I often help people detangle communication issues they aren’t aware of, such as this one. Therapy is great for learning about your blind spots in a gentle and supportive setting. If you struggle in relationships or have relationships that are not as deep as you’d like, that is something therapy can help with. Reach out today for a free consultation if you’re interested in working together.